Friday, May 31, 2013

So, Rob Ford.

I started writing this a week ago, not long after the whole "the mayor may or may not have been seen in a video smoking crack with known-shady people" thing broke. But I held off thinking that, jeez, when this smoothes over, maybe I'll take another crack (hah!) at it.

Because this is apparently never going to smooth-over, though, I figured I might as well throw my opinions around while the maelstrom is still whirling.

Bullet-points seem appropriate here.
  • The mayor might have a crack problem.
  • His family has a history of substance-abuse problems (see his sister's unfortunate case).
  • He's too stubborn to resign.
  • He absolutely knows that things are going badly, but he can't ever admit to the public that he's rattled.
  • There's no way he's getting re-elected, but I wouldn't be surprised if he ran. Not at all.
If he'd come out after this video surfaced and said, "Look, this video is false, that's not me, but I do have alcohol and drug issues, I need a while to get myself clean," took a leave of absence and let Doug Holyday run the city for a while... y'know, I might've respected the guy a little. I'd have been proud that he admitted having a problem -- which has been no secret around here for years -- and he's gotta look after his health.

But that's not what he did. He's been trumpeting the "it's business as usual around here" line all week, in an uncharacteristic bout of availability to reporters (although for trivial things; he won't take questions about this controversy at all). It's a good thing we have a weak-mayor system around here; all he can do is be one vote on Council and stack his Executive Committee (who are all turning against him anyway these days, even hard-liners like Jaye Robinson and Dennzil Minnan-Wong). Hell, even my own Councillor, the former PC MPP John Parker, sent a Ford cartoon out in an email to constituents today (falling on Stephen Harper and Mike Duffy).

The sad thing is that a lot of Torontonians voted for this guy, even though at the time of the election in late 2010 he'd already had a very public track record of being an asshole and someone who couldn't hold his booze. Smitherman was gay, though, right?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Your guide to having a great weekend.

As I write this, it's almost midnight on Thursday night. And you know what that means: it's almost the weekend!

(Skip forward to about 2:25 unless you want to watch the members of Loverboy engaging in semi-staged faux-witty banter.)

Because the weekend is only two short days long, you're going to want to make the most out of it. But it's not like back in university, when you'd shotgun a couple of beers at the crack of noon on Friday and keep the party rolling until sometime Monday afternoon* -- you work for a living! So, here are a few tips to make sure you squeeze the most out of your grown-up reprieve from responsibility.

* * * * *

1. Get a good sleep on Thursday night.

It's almost midnight, and I should really be under the covers already. If you're up late Thursday, you're gonna feel terrible all day Friday, and by 8pm you'll be fast asleep on your couch in front of a rerun of Just Shoot Me. So, bed down early, quaff a little NyQuil if you need to, and you'll wake up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Friday morning.

2. Pace yourself.

You've made it through Friday, and now it's nighttime and you're ready to party. Now, I know what you might be thinking -- I have a trunk full of beer, a mountain of coke and some knives already jammed into the stove elements; what man can stop me? -- but you're going to want to watch it, Pedro. Friday's merely a dry run for Saturday, so don't blow your wad all in one night. Besides, you have to get up early the next morning to pick up some eleven-sided bolts at Ikea that they forgot to pack in your Flüvënhävën or some shit like that.

3. Eat sensibly.

It's Friday night, it's 3:30 in the morning, and you've been going pretty hard. What could be better than a double Big Mac meal with poutine and a side of bacon grease? The answer is, absolutely nothing. Go ahead and pound it into yourself. It doesn't matter anyway; you'll probably just be puking it back up in a little while. But, damn, that's gonna taste good.

4. Make the most of your Saturday.

Farmer's markets, craft shows, free samples aplenty at the Costco: these are things that happen on Saturday mornings. Since you probably hit it too hard the night before, you're best off sleeping until past 4 -- woken up by intermittent bouts of projectile-vomiting, of course. Stay in bed, asshole!

5. Saturday night is the real thing.

Well, you made it through Friday without any (permanent) damage to your liver, a few hours in the drunk tank, or somehow waking up wearing someone else's socks on the outskirts of Owen Sound. Saturday is the real deal: get yourself gussied-up, pimped-out, whored-down, whatever's the parlance of the day. Then, plunk yourself down in front of the TV and watch that episode of Frontline on PBS you've been meaning to catch, maybe make a donation and get a nifty tote bag, and turn-in early. Besides, there's church tomorrow morning, if that's your thing.

6. Sunday is a day of rest.

  • Meet the Press: NBC, 9am
  • This Week with George Stephanopoulos: ABC, 10am
  • Question Period: CTV, 11am

There's your plans right there. Make yourself a nice pot of coffee, grab the coziest blanket you have, and catch all those riveting round-table discussions on flat taxes, congressional redistricting and the latest goings-on in the Centre Block. Take notes; there's bound to be water-cooler talk on Monday about them, and you don't want to look the buffoon, do you?

7. Have a nice family dinner.

Grab a chicken from the coop, kill it, gut it, dress it, stuff it, and put it in the oven. (You all have chicken coops, right?) Make up a nice big pot of mashed potatoes, invite over the family (or someone else's, if you're an orphan), and enjoy each other's company -- until your mom asks you again if you're sure you're not gay because she hasn't met a girlfriend of yours in a while. Or ever. And you respond the same way you always do: Mom, just because your life has been an abject failure and "the 'beetus" took your toes doesn't mean you have to take out all your aggression on your children. But maybe that's just my family.

* * * * *

Whoops! Midnight, the "witching hour." And speaking of witches, has anyone heard from Ann Coulter lately? Anyway, it's off to bed for me. Good night, and have a fantastic weekend.
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* I went to Waterloo, so this never, ever, EVER happened.