Saturday, January 18, 2014

Hey, J, what do you look for in a woman?

I know what you're thinking (mostly because I took a six-week course which showed me exactly how to do that) -- Hey, fella, how come you haven't managed to club a woman over the head, drag her back to your lair, make sweet love to her, and make her your bride?

Well, friend, I assure you I've accomplished steps 1 through 3 as described above many times. Many times. (Usually with your mom.) But that last step, that one's proven to be a doozy, and I'll tell you why: I'm fairly picky when it comes to women.

I mean, sure, you can have dinner with them a few times, take them to bed for the finest lovemaking they've ever experienced, and all that -- but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with just one woman, I've gotta choose well. And, I have high standards.

Let me give you a little tutorial on exactly what I'm looking for. I figure it's easiest to go from the ground upwards, piece-by-piece, breaking down attributes in an informative, yet easy-to-read, manner. This is because I'm both logical and helpful.

1. Feet/Ankles
Winds these days are pretty gusty, so you've gotta make sure the woman you choose won't just blow over in a stiff breeze. Simple physics will tell you that the best way to solve this problem is to have big feet; the longer and wider, the better. Sensible footwear is also a no-brainer. High heels? That's a recipe for disaster, far as I'm concerned. Oh, and ankle-strength is paramount; I suggest looking for women who have played a lot of hockey, preferably goalie.

2. Legs (aka "Gams")
Look, you could try to seek out a woman who has thin, shapely legs. I can certainly see the appeal in that. But, it's a rookie move; strictly bush-league. This woman's going to be carrying your children around, both pre- and after-birth, and you're not going to want to trust your DNA legacy to a pair of popsicle sticks. Now, I'm not saying you should look for tree-trunks, but I certainly wouldn't fault you if you did.

3. The Hoo-Ha Area
I'm nothing if not a gentleman, so if there are any ladies reading this, I'll be sure to use carefully-encoded euphemisms to describe the parts of their anatomy they've seen every day of their existence. (You're welcome.) Basically, hair helps to trap chemicals called "pheromones" which are attractive to the opposite sex. So, logically, it stands to reason that a woman's funny-business should have as much of that decoration as possible, for maximum allure. Let the 1970s and their down-there-grooming practices reign yet again, I say! Waxing is for communists and metrosexuals, and I don't see them getting laid anytime soon.

4. Posterior (aka "Dumper")
Anthropologically speaking, a round behind is tightly correlated to full hips and breasts, which can more successfully birth and nurse a baby, respectively. (Yeah, I think I have that the right way around.) As such, I'll defer to the words and wisdom of a guy I was in residence with, in first-year of university, who was from England: "Gimme a girl with a three-stone* arse. That'll keep me warm in bed at night."
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* 1 stone = 14 pounds

5. 'Twixt Collar and Waist
They say a woman with curves is what you're shooting for. "They," of course, are the vast, unwashed masses, who buy things like Nickelback albums, chips with fake fat in 'em which give you the runs, and Toyotas. That's why you have to think outside-the-box here. It's like that movie Moneyball, where Billy Beane shopped around and found players who were great in unconventional ways. The result? The Oakland Athletics won the World Series seven times in the first decade of the 21st century. That's a fact, you can look it up.

6. Face (aka "Mug")
Symmetry reigns supreme here: it's a subconscious sign that she's disease-free and thus can crap out a bunch of healthy kids. I suggest bringing along pocket-sized mirrors to various nightclubs, house parties, and other assorted places where you might meet a woman (e.g. the bank, the dentist, the abbatoir). Check her facial symmetry subtly, though; you're going to have to be a ninja about this. I'm not saying you're going to nail the "hold it up to the midpoint of her face vertically and perpendicular to the plane of her cheekbones and then take it away quickly, evaluating the differences between the reflection and the real thing" move on the first try. You'll likely get punched. But, then again, like most things in life, practice makes perfect.

7. Hair (aka "Mane")
Is long hair more feminine than short? Blondes or brunettes? (Or, if you're feeling randy and don't mind a little syphilis, a redhead?) Do you like a Skrillex-ish hairstyle wherein part of one side of her head is shorn down like someone pulled a practical joke on her as she was passed out, drunk, after downing one too many whiskey-sours? Curly hair or straight? Are extensions alright? How about wigs? Do you just solve this problem and only pursue women with alopecia? Lots more questions than answers here, folks.

That about covers it, unless she's wearing a hat (no fucking hats, I cannot stress this enough). I mean, sure, it'd help if she had a fun personality, no serious criminal convictions, a rapier wit and the ability to read and write, but at this point, can I really be that picky?

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