Friday, June 13, 2014

And now, the god damn news.

Good afternoon, this is CBC News. I'm J and you're not, so go fuck yourselves. The weather is cloudy and 23 degrees.

Liberal premier-elect Kathleen Wynne really stuck it to the Conservatives last night, giving them kidney-punches and taking a majority government. Wynne held a press conference in a balls-meltingly-hot room today to explain what her government has in store for the next session.

I told that dickless Lieutenant-Governor to reconvene the Legislature on July 2, so we can get back to pissing in Tim Hudak's legislative corn flakes every day in Question Period. I've got a majority now, so if he's not careful, I'll walk across the floor of the House and slap that pretty little mouth of his.

Wynne didn't elaborate when asked if she'd slap Hudak "back into last week" during the first sitting of the Legislature or not, but she did give a playful wink to reporters in lieu of an answer.

In international news, instability continued today along the Ukraine-Russia border, because both sides are filled with pussies too afraid to fire their fucking guns. START SHOOTING, ASSHOLES! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

At the World Cup today, a bunch of Mexicans chased a ball around in the rain. Not a lot happened, yet the fans in Brazil were pretty damn close to fucking each other right in the aisles. The game ended 1-0, but nobody gives a good god damn who won.

In business news, a bunch of rich assholes on Bay Street got richer today and you didn't. The markets are closed, which means all these rich fuckers are currently boning their mistresses in their offices. Their wives all know, but they're too zonked-out on pills to care.

The weather forecast calls for shitstorms tonight, and a low of 14. Tomorrow you might as well just fuck off from work and hit the beach, because it's gonna be 27 and sunny. Nobody will miss you anyway, it's not like you're important down there. "Go and file this quarterly report, Jenkins" -- shit, a Chinaman could do that for a tenth the price. I mean, they built the railroad and all your kid's toys.

I'm J, and that's been the news. Suck my dick, Toronto.

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