Just once, I'd like to hear this on the traffic report.

...and now with the traffic, here's Steve Bennett.

Thanks, Alice.

The 401 westbound is pure bullshit from the DVP all the way to the airport, both express and collectors. Eastbound, anywhere between the Allen and Kennedy, you're pretty much fucked.

Some asshole on the 400 northbound at Finch has a flat tire on the shoulder, and dickheads both north and southbound are slowing down to take a look. Keep it moving, you morons!

The QEW? Just forget it. Stay home, or at work, or wherever you are; god knows everyone on that infernal stretch of pavement is staying exactly where they are for a hell of a long time.

On the Don Valley, there's just too many fucking people. Who are all of you, anyway? And why did you all decide you had to be somewhere else right now? Holy shit, people.

Gardiner eastbound, construction in the left lane near the South Kingsway means everyone from the 427 on in means you're gonna be late for whatever the hell you were trying to get to. Gardiner west, same thing at the same place, so get comfortable. Thinking of taking Lakeshore instead? Forget it. Just as bad, trust me.

All you rich assholes on the 407, you're moving nicely across the whole city. But what's all the way up there, anyway? Last time I was near the 407, all I saw were Chinamen and WOPs, and I don't want anything to do with either of 'em. Back to you in the newsroom.

Thanks, Steve. This traffic report is brought to you by Rogers Cable. "Rogers, because we've got you by the balls, and you don't have any other choice because Bell's a bunch of pricks, aren't they?" After the break, we'll see how much money you lost on the markets today.