I hope you know that I'm not the kind of person who would use that word as a put-down. But on the drive home tonight, this was the phrase that kept rolling around my head, and I think it fits, and who cares if it's not politically correct?
You see, there's this girl.
(Woman, not girl. Jeez. Let me make that very clear. Not into the 'girls.' I keep it legal.)
I've carried a torch for her for a long, long time, hoping that maybe she'd come to her senses and see that we'd be great together. In the meantime, we hang out, enjoy each other's company, have a lot in common, have a lot not-in-common (which I like; who wants a carbon-copy of themselves?), and have eaten, by our rough estimate, north of 200 meals together over the years.
Naturally, this absolutely kills a little piece of me. I can't help but picture what it'd be like, being with her, and let's just say it looks pretty damn good. We joke a lot about what our future kids would look like. And occasionally I bring it up that, jeez, y'know, wouldn't it work? She deflects, says she doesn't want to ruin the friendship.
But recently she added that she's of the opinion if, if romance doesn't fly immediately, then it probably never will, and she shouldn't pursue it. I mean, I guess I can see where that's coming from... but, well, how far has that gotten her to this point, if she's still single? Isn't it worth taking a chance, just to see?
Sigh.
Well, on said drive home, this whole scenario was bouncing around my brain -- which is weird, I thought I'd already essentially dealt with this -- and I just got really, really bummed. (It didn't help that Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up In Blue" was playing, too; how wondeful and insightful those lyrics are, in an apparently helpless situation.)
And so, here I am. Romance sucks. All I want is to be done with this fucking merry-go-round. Honestly, I can totally see why people settle. People have settled for thousands of years, and somehow society has managed to carry on just fine. How bad can it be?
Jesus fucking christ.
For God's sake, don't settle. Ugh. Not only do you deserve to have what/who you want - someone you can be crazy about to the exclusion of all others - but the person you commit to deserves that, too. If there's a glimmer of a chance that your wish-she-were-more-than-a-friend could be convinced to give dating you a try, do it. Yes, it's worth taking a chance, just to see. Give it your best shot! It might be very nice, or even amazing. It might crash and burn or fizzle out. (Would that be any worse than what you have with her now?)
ReplyDeleteSometimes people are idiots, and that includes women. She may, in fact, not want to risk it because she's genuinely scared it will be weird and then you won't be able to be friends anymore. Then again, she may think she doesn't feel "that" way about you, and if that's the case she should come right out and say it. Slam that door. Stop leaving you wondering if you have a chance. Free you to redirect your energy and potential in another direction. Seriously.
- Yr Seattle Fan (happily/luckily married to amazing guy for almost as many years as you've been alive, Sonny)
I had to search for this because I stopped reading your blog after I posted this (I was embarrassed that you didn't reply, and assumed you had decided I was a weirdo). Be that as it may, you will probably never read THIS but I want to comment at how neat ot is to have seen your final post, and to think/hope that you are happy with a nice woman who appreciates you. In my limited experience, few things will shut down a creative endeavor faster than being happy in one's personal life, so I'm hoping that's a big part of why you stopped.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I just went to Montreal for our anniversary, and it was cool (in a JFC it is really too hot kind of way, it being July and all), because we wanted to see the place and give Canada some love in light of the treatment given your country by the horrorshow of a president we have "leading" ours.
I still have hope we will get through this. And I'm happy for you. Be well!