The mayor, continued.

Well, Mayor McCheese has decided to stick around, "move forward," and not go anywhere.

It's inconceivable that he wins next year; Fordites have been interviewed all over the place, and a lot of 'em are of the opinion of, "Well, I support him, but he should take a leave of absence, at the very least."

Council -- even his traditional allies -- turned against him months ago. He couldn't get an agenda through 100 Queen West if he put it in the back of a dump truck and rammed through the front doors. And, he's an international embarassment.

But no, there were the Brothers Ford this afternoon on CFRB, on their weekly straight-to-the-taxpayers media outlet, proudly stating that Mayor Fat Fuck isn't going anywhere. Furthermore, they thanked all the people who have called or written to them and offered support.

* * * * * * *

Look, there are plenty of things that I dislike which, apparently, lots of other people love:

• seafood
• Nickelback
• Japanese cars
• dumb blockbuster movies

And I can see why someone might find each of those things appealing, for the most part. Hell, I can even see why someone might like Stephen Harper, at least on the surface. That's because each of the items listed above does have, even if it's hard to see, some sort of redeeming quality which outweighs all the other negatives.

Rob Ford, on the other hand... well, I can see how his "I fight for the little guy" rhetoric could be appealing. But then when you look at all the horrible stuff he's said and done over the past couple of decades, (a.) it easily outweighs any sort of oft-trotted-out platitudes he trumpets every chance he gets, and (b.) even if he does do as he says, you can't help but question plenty of other choices he's made in his life with clearly hamper his ability to be a successful office-holder.

Last night at a banquet dinner for our slo-pitch team, I sat with a teammate -- a Toronto police officer who works in Etobicoke, no less -- and we came up with a list of easily 15 really big, really public, really awful things that Ford has done. And we just sorta shook our heads and pronounced ourselves amazed that this guy is (still) the mayor of the fourth-largest city in North America.

A few things.

First off, here's some lovely mood music by Heinz Kiessling you may listen to, as you read this post. You might recognize it. (You may also recognize this and this.)

And now, the things.

1. My Detroit Tigers lost Game 6 of the ALCS last night against Boston, thus ending their season. It was a good season, I would say; taking the best team in the league to six games in the LCS is no small feat. Still, you can't help but point to the glaring miscues and underperformers (coughcoughPrinceFieldercoughcough) and wonder what might have been. I think there's enough left in the tank for another year with the same core guys -- minus Jhonny Peralta, of course, but this Iglesias fellow makes some pretty nifty plays at shortstop -- so we'll see how 2014 goes.

2. I think my 0-to-100 "Do I ever want to have kids?" meter has clicked down a notch recently. It's somewhere in the mid-70s, I think -- tough to read the dial sometimes -- but I've heard a few stories told by current-parents in the past week or so which have made me a little more skittish. But hey, if I meet the right woman tomorrow and we're married in six months and spittin' out babies nine months later, would I be surprised?*

3. This season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is right up there with any other. Season 8 was a little shaky in places, and I'm not saying season 9 is perfect by any means, but they're definitely making high-quality cringe-worthy television. I'd say it's the only TV series I follow these days.

4. I had dinner with an old high school friend of mine on Friday night, along with a friend of hers. She lives in the NYC area these days, and the other person works in a highfalutin' finance job with CIBC, and I didn't pick the restaurant... so I ended up paying more for dinner there than I believe I ever have before. (With tip, and including two beers, it ended up being in the triple-digits.) It was at a restaurant which looked like it attracted a lot of Bay Street types, and I am definitely not one of those... but let's just say I clean up halfway decently, so it's not like I rode my tractor up to the front door and left it idling the whole time. (Besides, it's in the shop; it needs a new Johnson rod.)

5. I brought absolutely zero work home with me this weekend. This feels incredibly bizarre.

That about covers it. Next time, we'll take a look at the evolving situation in Syria, and compare it to Real Housewives of New Jersey. The parallels, you'll see, are striking.
___________________________________________
* Yes, I would.

American politics are stupid.

Today is the second day that the US federal government is, for the most part, shut down.

Let me try to summarize what's happened, in the most objective way I can.

• Barack Obama got elected in 2008, and one of the things he promised he'd do -- and what people seemed to vote for -- was a dramatic overhaul of the health care system.
• He and Congress put a watered-down, but still significantly-different, plan in place so that, among other things, (a.) people could buy reasonably-priced health insurance, and (b.) private insurance companies couldn't turn people away for pre-existing conditions, which they'd been known to do, a lot.
• The Republican party, especially the Tea Party faction of it, hated this. By the midterm elections of 2010, this faction managed to get a lot of seats, especially in the House; from 2010 until today, the Democrats have controlled the Senate, but the Republicans have controlled the House.
• In order for bills to get passed through both the House and the Senate, they have to agree on various tweaks and amendments that get made, and a bill might bounce back and forth a couple of times before it gets signed by the President, who can simply veto it unless the final vote on it is really big in favour of it.
• Because cooperation between houses of Congress is required for anything to really get done, the government can get deadlocked if one house puts up a big fuss.

...which brings us to the present. House Republicans, especially the Tea Partiers, hate Obama's health care bill. They see it as "big government," an intrusion on privacy and people's right to choose health insurance (or indeed not to choose it at all). So far, however, despite the fuss the TP has put up, this health care plan has passed scrutiny with the voters (who re-elected Obama in 2012; even John McCain, a moderate Republican, has mentioned that recently), and the Supreme Court a few months ago said it was altogether abiding by the Constitution.*

There. I think that about covers the summary of things so far. Now, the editorializing.

As McCain pointed out, the US public has been pretty clear: this health care plan is a good thing. The Supreme Court said everything was a-ok. And because a few far-right nuts feel like they can take over the entire conversation -- despite the previous two sentences I just typed -- they've made this new law out like it's the worst thing to ever come down the pipe. (Indeed, a House Republican recently called it "one of the worst laws ever to be crafted by mankind" -- which, as Jon Stewart points out, puts it in the company of the old English law which would allow the King to nail your wife on your wedding night.)

Look, there are a lot of laws passed in any given jurisdiction in any given year. And yeah, this one is a big one. But just because a small number of Congresspeople don't like it, that gives them the right to hold up the entire business of the nation? (That is, they wouldn't allow a budget to get passed, which means the government can't spend any more money, save for vital things like air-traffic controllers and the military (of course).) Seems pretty bananas to me.

Which it is.

Because I'm fucking right, 100% of the time.

The kids are alright.

It's not just a mod anthem from the Who, it pretty accurately describes how things are going down at the ol' schoolhouse this year.

Class #1: Grade 12 Earth and Space Science

Whenever I tell anyone that I teach this class, their first response is usually, "That's a thing?" And when I respond that, yes, indeed, it is -- although not all schools offer it, and it's only been around for the past eight-ish years -- people wonder what's in it. Technically it's 3 units of earth science (rocks and minerals, processes, earth's history) and 2 space (cosmology, solar system)... but, let's face it, I'm an astrophysics guy, it's half-and-half.

With 20 kids in it, this might be the biggest one we've had so far. But I'll tell ya, these are 20 of the quietest kids I've ever seen. Normally you can count on any given class having 3 or 4 real characters to liven the place up, but this class really doesn't have one. Having it in the morning doesn't really help either, because a lot of kids are still half-asleep, especially if the schedule of the day makes it first period. Also, I may or may not have called this assemblage of kids "a bunch of cardboard cut-outs." To them.

Class #2: Grade 9 Science (morning)

They're young, they're dumb, and collectively they have the worst taste in music I've ever seen. They were born in 1999 (excepting the couple of kids who are in grade 10 and taking this course), which is ridiculous -- and also explains their terrible taste in music.

But alas, I think about myself at their age, and... well, yes, I knew some Beatles songs. But I clearly recall the summer between grade 8 and 9, practically wearing out my Poison album -- and no, I don't mean the hair-metal band, I mean the album by New Jack Swing vocal group Bel Biv DeVoe. (Look, it was a dark time in my life.)

I can't go around judging 14-year-olds by adult standards. They don't know what the hell they're doing. I just don't really know how best to point them, musically, in the right direction without just straight-up making fun of who they listen to. Perhaps I'll figure out five songs they need to hear, and dispatch them to YouTube. But that's tricky; you can't just give them a huge dose of awesome right off the bat, you've gotta work up to it.

As for the actual science-y stuff? They're doing fine.

Class #3: Grade 9 Science (afternoon)

It's bigger, louder and perhaps not as academically strong as its morning counterpart. But that's alright; their friends in the morning class probably tell them what's on tests and whatnot. Believe me, they need the help.

One thing I refuse to do is yell. Remember the mom from "Malcolm in the Middle"? Her normal speaking-voice was a yell, and the kids learned to tune that out pretty effectively. Same goes for teaching. Hell, when I really wanna rattle 'em, I pause for a long time and then speak really quietly. Freaks 'em out good.

High school teaching: Psychological warfare with teenagers, three times a day.

Just once, I'd like to hear this on the traffic report.

...and now with the traffic, here's Steve Bennett.

Thanks, Alice.

The 401 westbound is pure bullshit from the DVP all the way to the airport, both express and collectors. Eastbound, anywhere between the Allen and Kennedy, you're pretty much fucked.

Some asshole on the 400 northbound at Finch has a flat tire on the shoulder, and dickheads both north and southbound are slowing down to take a look. Keep it moving, you morons!

The QEW? Just forget it. Stay home, or at work, or wherever you are; god knows everyone on that infernal stretch of pavement is staying exactly where they are for a hell of a long time.

On the Don Valley, there's just too many fucking people. Who are all of you, anyway? And why did you all decide you had to be somewhere else right now? Holy shit, people.

Gardiner eastbound, construction in the left lane near the South Kingsway means everyone from the 427 on in means you're gonna be late for whatever the hell you were trying to get to. Gardiner west, same thing at the same place, so get comfortable. Thinking of taking Lakeshore instead? Forget it. Just as bad, trust me.

All you rich assholes on the 407, you're moving nicely across the whole city. But what's all the way up there, anyway? Last time I was near the 407, all I saw were Chinamen and WOPs, and I don't want anything to do with either of 'em. Back to you in the newsroom.

Thanks, Steve. This traffic report is brought to you by Rogers Cable. "Rogers, because we've got you by the balls, and you don't have any other choice because Bell's a bunch of pricks, aren't they?" After the break, we'll see how much money you lost on the markets today.

A short treatise on the subject of romance.

Shit's fucked up, but you already knew that.

* * * * *

Addendum

I shouldn't be so harsh. I mean, I'm sure there are people who find True Love™ and everything's magnificent and storybookish and whatnot. But...

1. How many people do you know that really have done exactly that, so far? Out of the people roughly my age that I know of... a handful? Probably single-digits. And, let's face it, the story on them is nowhere near done being written. Not trying to be a dick or anything, but that's just the way it goes sometimes.
2. Yeah, I have some pretty high standards. They're not unreasonable, and it's not like nobody's ever been able to meet them. But when you run across someone who you think might just make the grade, and you end up rolling snake-eyes instead... well, to quote The Dude, "that's just a bummer, man."
3. Some mathematicians recently crunched some numbers to try and figure out a general idea of how many people in the world there are who would make a good significant-other for you. I don't remember all the details, but the number was depressingly low, possibly in the triple-digits. For the world.

So, there you have it. For now. Who knows, maybe I'll meet that left-handed blonde Asian bass player while buying bagels at the place up the street tomorrow, and I'll be singing a different tune.

Speaking of women, and tunes, I think the late Bon Scott sang about all of this pretty eloquently.

A logically-airtight system of belief.

I've been running through this in my head for the past few minutes. Let me get this straight, and allow me to think out loud (or, in print).

• You create a system of religious belief which is derived from an extremely common pre-existing system.
• This system you've created highlights, as its central tenet, that anything which occurs is the direct consequence of the existence of the source of your belief system, which you naturally believe to be true, because you're an adherent to the system.
• It doesn't matter if the things that occur are "good" or "bad," they merely need to take place.
• Again, the source of your belief system is the sole determinant of whether things happen or not.
• And since things happen, they must have been caused by the source, thereby reaffirming the source's existence.
• "Good" things -- that is to say, things which the majority of people approve, enjoy or like -- are easy enough to attribute to this source, due to its all-powerful nature.
• "Bad" things, while deemed to be unpleasant to the majority of the populace, are also attributable to the source and thus prove that it exists because, well, the thing happened.
• People tend not to like "bad" things. But you posit that these things prove that the source of your belief system indeed does exist, thus reaffirming your beliefs and thus your system.
• If you showcase these "bad" things which have happened as, conversely, "good" things -- because they prove that your system of belief must be right -- people tend to get mad.

Alright, I think I got it.

The system of belief, of course, is the Westboro Baptist Church. They have about 40 adherents, which might be roughly the number of members in attendance at your local Elks Lodge meeting, but people around the world have only heard of one of the aforementioned small groups, and it ain't your local Elks Lodge.

The beauty of this system of belief is that, no matter what happens, you can point to the thing that happens and say, "Look, because God is the direct source of everything and makes everything happen, this all proves God exists. And because we know this fact, and we take pride in never deviating from it, unlike others, we're the ones who got it right."

Is this controversial when, say, a baby kitten sneezes in a cute YouTube video? Nope. God made kittens, and sneezes, and YouTube -- so we're all good, baby.

Is this controversial when, say, a US soldier dies in battle in Iraq? Yep. Americans tend to like their soldiers, and get bummed when they die; they tend not to celebrate dead soldiers as yet another affirmation that God exists and does things. But, not the WBC -- this is a time to show that, look, God did this, and therefore God is powerful, and you may as well just join up with us, because we're the only ones who look at a soldier's death this way, which is to say, the right way.

At this point, you have to make a choice. Do you...

1. grieve the death of a fellow human being, which is arguably a somewhat natural human response, or
2. put all that aside and take this opportunity to reaffirm the existence of God?

I think I may have said this before in a previous blog post, but it goes like this... if your system of religious beliefs makes you less human, it's probably not a good system to which to adhere.

Now, I'm not entirely certain why they chose the God Hates Fags thing. I can imagine that they probably figured out that homosexuality is a pretty controversial topic -- or at least it was, however-many years ago -- and that'd be their angle on the whole thing. I mean, sure, that list of bullet-points above hangs together on its own pretty well, but if you want to make things practical and comprehensible for Joe Sixpack, you've gotta give an example.

A: "Why does God do bad things to us?"
B: "God does bad things to us because... uh... hmm. Well, I know in numerous places in the Bible, it says that God loved the world and thus everything and everyone on it, but... there's this one little thing it says God's not too keen on, but we do it anyway."
A: "Oh, you mean eating shellfish? Way ahead of ya. Don't touch the stuff, myself."
B: "Well, yes, that could be. You get a bad shrimp, you're gonna be alternately shitting and puking for days. But crustaceans don't really add much zing to a religion, you know?"
A: "Yeah, I know. Besides, I like Red Lobster. How about all those fags, then, mincing-about?"
B: "A, it looks like we got ourselves a church here."
[A and B, both dudes,* furiously make out in celebration]

And thus, Fred Phelps and whoever-else was equally demented and happened to be around and agree with him, created the WBC. Hallelujah, indeed.
________________________
* also works for two chicks, trannies, ladyboys or two-spirited persons