Things kids say.

As you well know, kids say some pretty strange stuff from time to time. I mean, take a look at any toddler growing up -- they pick words up from everywhere (so you'd better watch what you say around them). So, naturally, when they're teenagers, not only do they pick up new words, but they have the mental capacity to invent completely new ones -- which they do with alarming frequency.

Being a teacher surrounded by kids from every imaginable background, I get to hear quite a few of these novel words. A good number of them are somewhat vulgar... but hey, take a look at the word vulgar itself: it's the Latin word for common, as in, it was the commonly-spoken language of regular people (as opposed to the hoity-toity language used by the upper classes).

I'd say a good percentage of the new words I hear come from, or are inspired by, all sorts of Patois from all kinds of Caribbean countries, chiefly Jamaica (although Guyana and Trinidad have a pretty rich vocabulary too). When you mix all these kids together, they pick up on each other's slang, and come up with new combinations all the time. Definitions are fluid, spelling is approximate, and (perhaps most importantly) hearing your teacher say them is apparently hilarious.

(Hey, I do what I can.)

So, here are a few examples of what I've heard recently. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and six months from now these words might just disappear. But if you're looking to speak fluent South Scarberian in mid-2013, you'd better take some notes.

gursh (adj.) — gursh
Definition: extremely ugly -- "like roadkill," apparently
Example: "Did you see Alice the other day? Oh my god, she's so gursh."

gwala (n.) — gwa′ la
Definition: money
Example: "A new iPhone? That's a lotta gwala."

wha gwan (interj.) — wha gwan
Definition: an informal greeting upon seeing someone, cf. "What's going on?"
Example: "Hey Bob, wha gwan?"

cyatty (n.) — kya′ tee
Definition: a woman who is probably a little on the large side, wears brightly-coloured or loudly-printed tights or tight pants, and has a weave and/or extensions
Example: "Charlene is such a cyatty."

N.B. a year or two ago, this used to define a woman who might fit some of the physical descriptions listed above, but who would very specifically chase men who they couldn't or shouldn't be chasing, e.g. men who are already in relationships.

Cyatty Tuesday (n.)
Definition: the five-dollar Tuesday movies shown at the theatres in Scarborough Town Centre mall, ostensibly because they attract cyatties
Example: "Dave went to see Ironman 3 on Cyatty Tuesday."

I'm gonna miss these kids over the summer, I really am.*
______________________________________
* Not too much, though.

A new word I learned.

Admittedly, this is second-hand, but well worth sharing.

This kid I taught last year, let's call him Steve... wow, he was a crazy one. I won't get into specifics, but let's just say he was easily in the top-3 most challenging kids I've ever dealt with. That said, he's definitely likeable, in a weird way -- but, he will drive you fucking crazy.

Oh, and he's also exceedingly vulgar.

A colleague recently relayed an anecdote wherein he was having a conversation with the lad in question, and Steve used this phrase:

"he clapped her ass"

Now... to you and me, that might mean something like "he patted her on the derriere" -- you know, like two hands clapping means one hits the other. But no, it means... well... copulation.

Two things jump out at me.

1. That word is very typically South Scarberian -- partially opaque in meaning, short in length and sharp-sounding, and vulgar. Pure textbook.
2. Really? Steve thought it was appropriate to mention anal sex in a conversation with a teacher? That's god damn insane.

But then again, so is Steve.

Things teenagers say.

Vignette #1
Two boys, grade 9 science class working on seatwork, the day after Sidney Crosby got hit in the face with a puck

C: "Hey, what's the name of that guy who plays for the Leafs?"

J: "Um... which one do you mean?"

C: "You know, that famous guy. Is it... Stevie Wonder?"

J: (bewildered) "Uh... do you mean... Sidney Crosby, who plays for the Penguins?"

C: (relieved) "Yeah! That's the guy."

J: (bewildered) "Wow."

* * * * *

Vignette #2
Grade 9 science class, during a whole-class discussion about the Earth and the Moon and their structures

(N.B. "N's" English is about 70%; he's originally from Pakistan)

N: (at back of class) "Um... sir? Have you ever heard of... ah... what's it called... [makes gesturing motion with his hands]... I think it's called a... a 'glory hole'?"

class: (absolutely no reaction, [surprisingly])

me: (showing no outward reaction) "I... no, I've never heard of that."

N: (gesturing again) "It's... hmm. Well, have you ever heard of a hole that appears in the ground? Apparently it's really deep?"

me: (inwardly relieved) "Ah! You mean a sinkhole. Yeah, there was just one in Florida a few weeks ago that swallowed a house and killed a guy."

N: (relieved) "That's the story I heard too. Do we get them around here?"

me: "Nah, we're alright here. We have a different type of bedrock."

* * * * *

Vignette #3
Grade 12 physics class, most students are paying attention to the demo at the front of the class (some working on problems already)

Demonstration: Newton's Cradle (in the context of elastic collisions)

me: "So, eventually the motion dies down to nothing, because the collisions aren't entirely elastic, and the kinetic energy goes away into sound and heat. Then the balls are motionless." [you see where this is going. --ed.]

N: "How could you get the thing to go on forever?"

me: "If you lose a tenth of a joule of energy every time through, and the ball only has 1 J of energy to start with, that means in ten swings it's done. What you have to do, then, is increase the... uh... mass of the balls..."

N and a few others: (big grins, then bursts of laughter)

me: "Well then... I think I should probably just stop there."

Things teenagers say.

"If you're going to steal a car, you've gotta know how to parallel-park."

Truer words have possibly never been spoken.

Things teenagers say, and ask.

I have a grade 10 science class which is actually one of the most reasonable groups of people I've ever dealt with. (Mind you, there are people that show up once or twice a week, or others I haven't seen in a month despite calling their parents' house... and occasionally getting the ol' "caller ID says it's the school, so I'll pick up the phone and hang it right back up" treatment. Yes, that happens.)

The deal with a class is this: it takes a while to get to know them, and they take a while to get to know you. Depending on your comfort level with them, and with students in general, they may get to know you really well, or barely at all. As such, they'll be able to eventually gauge what sorts of questions they can ask about you... or so the theory goes.

(I kid, I kid. I'm friendly, but I'm not their friend. I'm professional, but I'm still a person. I try to be authentic, but at the same time I'm still have to keep some distance.)

At any rate, we had a little time to kill after a fun day of talking about light and then getting acquainted with some equipment we're going to be using for the next few weeks, by using prisms to make rainbows. I'm not entirely sure how the conversation turned this way, but it did:

"Hey sir, if you could take one teacher in the school out on a date, who would it be?"

And then it got weird.

First off, you'd better believe I didn't say a god damn thing in response to that question. And so then, there was a discussion, also not involving me -- kept mostly-appropriate, but with deviations into (further) ridiculousness -- about teachers sleeping with students. One of my (male) not-quite-rocket-scientists:

"Yo, if it's a guy teacher and a girl student, that ain't right. But if it's a girl teacher and a guy student... I don't know, man. I don't know."

But things swerved back to me, and the question I'd been posed. All I had for them was a piece of advice in the form of a single phrase that I would only say once, and I told them I wanted them to unpack the meaning of it:

"You don't shit where you eat."

Whadda ya know, they eventually figured it out.

We may not be doomed after all, folks.